Creatine from Ortho Molecular Products 90 Servings

The "Oh God, I’m Falling Apart" White Powder

(Officially known as Ortho Molecular Products Creatine)

Can we talk? Look at you. No, seriously, look at you. You’re tired. You’re sagging. You walked into the kitchen three times today and forgot why you were there. It’s tragic. You used to be somebody! Now you’re just a collection of aches and pains looking for a place to sit down.

Enter this stuff. Creatine. From a company called "Ortho Molecular Products." Sounds like they make corrective shoes, doesn't it? But apparently, "Efficacy Matters" to them. Which is doctor-speak for "This might actually work, so we’re charging you double."

What is it? It’s a white powder. That’s it. It’s not fairy dust. It’s not going to turn you into a supermodel overnight—honey, nothing is going to do that without a scalpel and a second mortgage. But it’s supposed to help with the slow, agonizing slide into decrepitude.*

What they say it does (on the shiny bottle):

• Energy: Not "I’m going to run a marathon" energy. More like "I’m going to get off the couch without making that noise" energy. It’s the fuel to keep your pathetic little engine turning over.

• Recovery: Because now, sleeping wrong is an injury that takes three days to heal. This is supposed to help your muscles bounce back after you do something strenuous, like carrying two bags of groceries at once.*

• Memory: Ah, the big one. The terrifying one. It’s supposed to help your brain remember things.* Like your PIN number. Or where you parked the car. Or the name of that person you’ve known for twenty years. Do you really want to remember everything, though? Think about it.

The Bottom Line: Life is a losing game. You’re fighting gravity and time, and guess what? They’re winning. But you can take this powder. It’s 90 servings of false hope in a clinical-looking jar. Mix it in water. Drink it down. It won’t fix your personality, but it might help you remember where you left your dignity.*

So go ahead. Buy the fancy creatine. It’s cheaper than a facelift and less embarrassing than forgetting your own phone number. Maybe.

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.